Struggle

I have recently found myself driving around late at night. No set destination, just me and my car on dark roads in the country. I drive as though I am hoping to find something in the midst of all the darkness that surrounds my car. “Is this all I am made for?” I continually ask myself as I continue to drive on. I am not sure why these thoughts come to my mind so late at night but it always seems that when I am alone I think this. Now some of you may say well you have little faith. And I will agree with that statement, I openly admit to having little faith at times. I strongly believe we all have little faith at times, I mean even most of the disciples did. I mean where were they when Christ was being crucified? Most of them were hiding because they did not want the same fate as Jesus. Clearly they had little faith at that time.

Of course I am writing this blog and after this someone is going to come up to me really sincerely(or so it seems) and be like “I just read your blog are you ok?” And I will say of course I am I just like to be sincere, and honest with people. I do not see why I should write anything if it is not truthful for who I am and what I am dealing with. I mean we are followers of Christ but not everyday is this nice Marry Go Round. It is much more like a roller coaster with huge hills, unexpected turns and loops that you were never expecting.

I find it important to write what I think and what I feel because it is important to love Christ in the low points just like in the high. I quote C.S. Lewis “We shall not be able to adore God on the highest occasions if we have learned no habit of doing so on the lowest” So I am being honest and the next part in italics is how I have felt over the last week or so. Please read.

O Lord, God of my salvation; I cry out day and night before you. Let my prayer come before you; incline your ear to my cry! For my soul is full of troubles, and my life draws near to Sheol. I am counted among those who go down to the pit; I am a man who has no strength, like one set loose among the dead, like the slain that lie in the grave, like those whom you remember no more, for they are cut off from your hand. You have put me in the depths of the pit, in the regions dark and deep. Your wrath lies heavy upon me, and you overwhelm me with all your waves.

You have caused my companions to shun me; you have made me a horror to them. I am shut in so that I cannot escape; my eye grows dim through sorrow. Every day I call upon you, O Lord; I spread out my hands to you. Do you work wonders for the dead? Do the departed rise up to praise you?

Is your steadfast love declared in the grave, or your faithfulness in Abaddon? Are your wonders known in the darkness,or your righteousness in the land of forgetfulness? But I, O Lord, cry to you; in the morning my prayer comes before you. O Lord, why do you cast my soul away? Why do you hide your face from me? Afflicted and close to death from my youth up,I suffer your terrors; I am helpless. Your wrath has swept over me; your dreadful assaults destroy me. They surround me like a flood all day long; they close in on me together.You have caused my beloved and my friend to shun me; my companions have become darkness.

This part in italics is Psalm 88. Now this is in our bible and it is clear that someone else felt the same way we do at many times. They feel alone and left, and they wonder if this is all they have been made for. So in closing I have to admit I have felt lost for a little bit. I have been told that I cannot do things I feel called to do. I feel like demons are laughing because doors are opening for me but they get there sooner and manipulate people to close the door. But I know God is faithful and will always be and nothing can ever separate me or us from his love.

So in the midst of the craziness and scattered blog that this is I hope you have heart. You are not alone, we all struggle(even though sometimes our pride hides it and we act like were perfect) We will fall at times but God will lift us. Just be honest and admit your struggles because honestly someone out there needs to hear this. Someone may need to know that they are not alone in there battles with this world. I hope you enjoyed this random and scattered blog.

Love You All,
Brent Phillips