The Real Me

I have started to write this blog about 50 times and I always end up deleting it. But I will actually write it this time. I named this The Real Me because I am about to tell you who I really am underneath it all. The person that I hide from the world, the person who when you look deep down in my soul you would see. Sounds kind of scary doesn't it? I think so also because I do not know how people will take this post but oh well, i think what the world needs is truth and I hope by revealing some things about myself that the world may see that even though I am a "Christian" that I am still no better then anyone else.

Well here I go if you look deep in my soul you will see a man that has been so hurt in areas of his life. Whether it be having to look at my mom unresponsive after she tried to commit suicide or whether it be the idea that I will never be good enough to compared to others. Sometimes I try to do things so that I can try live up to standards that I probably can never reach. This is so hard to tell you because on the outside I like to act like I have everything together. I like to be the one that people should look to when it comes to trying to live out a Christ center lifestyle even though deep in my soul there is burdens that holds me back from letting Christ truly be the center of everything I am. I admit there are some areas of my life that Christ runs but there are many that he does not.

Next when you look deep in my soul you will see a man who is never truly happy financially. I come from a lower class family mostly because my dad had cancer when I was kid and then he had probably a surgery every year I have been born so my family has never really been able to recover financially. I feel like I never have enough and this mostly comes from my idolatry. Most all of my friends come from upper class or upper middle class families. So it is hard for me to always have to hear about everything they get when for the last 3 Christmas's i have only got a t-shirt and maybe a pair of jeans or a 20 dollar gift card to wal-mart. I dont say that to make you pity me I tell you that because I want to tell you what is in my soul and what I am dealing with.

This is a hard one to admit but there is no reason to not admit it. I do struggle with adultery just like most guys but since it is there I want to tell you. And thats all I am going to say about that.

Next if you look a little deeper into my soul, you will see a man who deep down does care about how people look at him. I do not think people get how much my heart breaks when I hear someone tear me down. I am very bad about this because I sometimes hide this one the best because showing what I truly feel would make me vulnerable and as a guy I was raised to not show vulnerability. But who cares, I do care about what people think even though I shouldn't.

So if you look deep in my soul you would see a man who looks nothing like what you see on the outside. You would see a man who is more concerned about what others think then what God thinks, more about how he is going to survive financially then God being the provider. You see a man who is a huge Adulterer and a man that struggles with many things from his past. But the one big thing that you would see deep in my soul along with all of that is God. You would see a God that can take all those things away and a God who truly is there through all of my troubles. Now I admit that most of the time I push him down because I do not want his help I want to do it alone. But even when I want to do it alone I am not alone He is still there with me carrying me.

Well this was the hardest thing I have ever done but God is good and there is no reason to hide my struggles especially if my struggles may actually be able to help someone. I will leave you with two verses.

Hebrews 10:22 "let us draw near to God with a sincere heart in full assurance of faith, having our hearts sprinkled to cleanse us from a guilty conscience and having our bodies washed with pure water"

1 Thessalonians 5:10-11, He died for us so that, whether we are awake or asleep, we may live together with him.Therefore encourage one another and build each other up

Love you all
Brent