The Real Me

I have started to write this blog about 50 times and I always end up deleting it. But I will actually write it this time. I named this The Real Me because I am about to tell you who I really am underneath it all. The person that I hide from the world, the person who when you look deep down in my soul you would see. Sounds kind of scary doesn't it? I think so also because I do not know how people will take this post but oh well, i think what the world needs is truth and I hope by revealing some things about myself that the world may see that even though I am a "Christian" that I am still no better then anyone else.

Well here I go if you look deep in my soul you will see a man that has been so hurt in areas of his life. Whether it be having to look at my mom unresponsive after she tried to commit suicide or whether it be the idea that I will never be good enough to compared to others. Sometimes I try to do things so that I can try live up to standards that I probably can never reach. This is so hard to tell you because on the outside I like to act like I have everything together. I like to be the one that people should look to when it comes to trying to live out a Christ center lifestyle even though deep in my soul there is burdens that holds me back from letting Christ truly be the center of everything I am. I admit there are some areas of my life that Christ runs but there are many that he does not.

Next when you look deep in my soul you will see a man who is never truly happy financially. I come from a lower class family mostly because my dad had cancer when I was kid and then he had probably a surgery every year I have been born so my family has never really been able to recover financially. I feel like I never have enough and this mostly comes from my idolatry. Most all of my friends come from upper class or upper middle class families. So it is hard for me to always have to hear about everything they get when for the last 3 Christmas's i have only got a t-shirt and maybe a pair of jeans or a 20 dollar gift card to wal-mart. I dont say that to make you pity me I tell you that because I want to tell you what is in my soul and what I am dealing with.

This is a hard one to admit but there is no reason to not admit it. I do struggle with adultery just like most guys but since it is there I want to tell you. And thats all I am going to say about that.

Next if you look a little deeper into my soul, you will see a man who deep down does care about how people look at him. I do not think people get how much my heart breaks when I hear someone tear me down. I am very bad about this because I sometimes hide this one the best because showing what I truly feel would make me vulnerable and as a guy I was raised to not show vulnerability. But who cares, I do care about what people think even though I shouldn't.

So if you look deep in my soul you would see a man who looks nothing like what you see on the outside. You would see a man who is more concerned about what others think then what God thinks, more about how he is going to survive financially then God being the provider. You see a man who is a huge Adulterer and a man that struggles with many things from his past. But the one big thing that you would see deep in my soul along with all of that is God. You would see a God that can take all those things away and a God who truly is there through all of my troubles. Now I admit that most of the time I push him down because I do not want his help I want to do it alone. But even when I want to do it alone I am not alone He is still there with me carrying me.

Well this was the hardest thing I have ever done but God is good and there is no reason to hide my struggles especially if my struggles may actually be able to help someone. I will leave you with two verses.

Hebrews 10:22 "let us draw near to God with a sincere heart in full assurance of faith, having our hearts sprinkled to cleanse us from a guilty conscience and having our bodies washed with pure water"

1 Thessalonians 5:10-11, He died for us so that, whether we are awake or asleep, we may live together with him.Therefore encourage one another and build each other up

Love you all
Brent

What a God!!!

As I think about this Easter season I have begun to think about the fact that Christ bore his body on a cross and died for everyone and not just for some. It truly is amazing that no matter who we are the God of the Universe was willing to die for us. No matter if we are gay, straight; murderers, thieves, liars, and the list can go on and on. No matter who we are Christ died for us. I feel like so many times we act like Christ died for the righteous people, but no one is righteous. We have all sinned and fall short of the glory of God that is written in Romans 3:23.

Also in Romans 5 Paul the writer of the letter to the Romans is talking about Christ the savior of the world and he writes “Very rarely will anyone die for a righteous man, though for a good man someone might possibly dare to die. But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us” See in God’s eyes we are all worth saving no matter what we have done. In this world we live in people do not normally willingly give up their lives. It would take an act of so much Love to be willing to sacrifice it all for another. And that is exactly what God did, he loved us so much that he sent his one and only son that whoever believes in him will not perish but have everlasting life that’s written in John 3:16

I can truly tell you that this life that Christ offers is truly worth it. How many other times can you truly think of someone that loves you so much he is willing to die for you? That is what Easter is about; it is about The Savior who died on a cross for the sins of the world and then defeated death three days later and rose from the grave. No matter who you are Christ died for you, so that you would be able to experience eternal life and be with him in heaven.

So what does it take to get this salvation that is offered freely to us? In Romans 10:9 Paul explains it, he says “That if you confess with your mouth, "Jesus is Lord," and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved” and then in Romans 10:9 he says “Anyone who calls upon the name of the Lord WILL be saved.” It is written out very clearly all we have do is call upon the name of the lord and believe in out heart that he is God and we will be saved. I capitalized the word WILL because it does not say that you might be saved, that God will consider letting you have eternal life it says you WILL be saved.

If you have read this and have any questions please feel free to send me a message or call me or anything. Christ is the most important thing to me and I would love to talk to anyone about it. I love you all.

hmmm

So if I were to jump off a building into a pool of M&M's would it be as sweet as it seems like it is in my dreams at night?

Also if I jumped into a pool of jello how far would I sink? Would I make it to the bottom? And once there would i actually want to eat the jello that is around me?

Also I really want to know that if i drove my car into a lake and let it sink to the bottom before trying to get out if I would be able to.

Not sure why I wonder these things but I do.

Holy Week?

Ever year the week of Easter is considered the Holy Week, shouldn't every week be considered a holy week. A week in which God has allowed us to experience. So in that essence is it not holy?

I WAS LOOKING FOR SOMETHING MORE

I keep finding myself looking for something more then this mediocre life I live. I keep searching for things that will feel me up, but yet the one thing I have always longed for and claim I live for has always been right in front of me. I searched for more money to feel me up but yet when I have money it runs out, I look to have more friends but yet the more friends I find it still didn't feel me up. I try to get more involved and to stay busy but being busy still made me feel empty.

All along I was looking for something more, even though I knew that everything I was needing was right in front of me. Christ died on a Cross for the sins of all men, and all we are called to do is call on his name. When it comes to life I feel it up with so many other things in hopes to find Joy, but true Joy comes from the Lord and I am starting to learn that.

It is tough nothing about living for Christ is easy. I am scrutinized, I am mocked but yet it is worth it. Christ died on a Cross for us, he was spit on beaten, which is worse then anything that will most likely happen to me in my life. And if it does happen to me then I will thank my God for it. So I was looking for something more and that more was Christ and he is more awesome then anything I can find in this life.

This blog may only make sense to me but I hope you understand it.

WOW

Even though I am nothing Christ still thinks I am something in his eyes. WOW, why does He think we are so deserving of this Gift that he offers to us? I do not know but HE IS AMAZING!!

What Will It Take?

So my whole life I have herd the same phrase over and over, "I just expect so much more out of you" And i think it has finally got to the point where I have to ask what are these expectations? I feel as though I can do everything I am asked to do and always get told that I did better then they expected I would do. But then a week later I always hear I expect so much out of you or I expect so much more! I feel as though I am on this higher level that is unreachable. As much as I strive for it and try to do everything above and beyond in a sense I am still not living up to these "expecatations"

This is really starting to weight me down. I view my life as one that should point to Christ and I want to make sure my light focus's on him but when I hear things like this it makes me feel like I am doing everything wrong. I feel as though everyone else can be on this lower level but for me I have to be on this mountain above all others. They say that I have shown this potential but yet I dont continually live up to it.

I am very broken down right now, I feel as though every step I do is wrong and I am not sure what to do about it. I live my life not to please men but to please God in heaven, and not to seek earthly things or earthly fame but its hard when it seems like people are against you even if you feel you are doing right in Gods eyes.

Lord hide me behind the Cross because I am falling fast and this world seems to be against me, make my ways right in your eyes even if they might be wrong in the worlds eyes. Make me live in such a way that if you do not show up I will be in trouble. Lord renew my heart because I am broken!!