So it is a little past 4 in the morning and I still have not gone to bed. Just finished watching the movie “Warrior” which I strongly recommend but this blog is not about that. I just felt like I should write really quick in order to clear my mind before going to bed. So I hope you take the time to read this.
Well I am currently going through a very humbling process and that is a very very good thing. For a while I have been holding things inside. Fears and doubts had taken over my being to the point where I was unsure of what I was supposed to be doing. The people who know me the best know that any time I talk about going to school for something other than Ministry, that, that is when I am struggling the most in my walk with Christ. We serve a personal God who wants to have a personal relationship with each of us yet I thought I could do better than anything God wanted for me. I left seminary because fears and doubts had taken over me. The more I am honest with myself the more I see my pride and sin of self being the main reason I left Texas. Most likely if you had talked to me about it I probably told you that I just didn't feel like that is where God wanted me. But if I am honest with you that is a lie. I just did not want to be there. I felt lonely there because I put no effort in getting to know people. I lost about 40 pounds while there because I was battling inner demons and sin to the point that all I would do is go to class, work and then spend most the rest of the night working out.
I can think back to a conversation I had with one of Pastor friends named Lonnie while I was in Texas and I can remember him telling me on the phone that he felt like I was right where God wanted me to be. But the second I got off the phone with him I was angry and thought it was silly. When in all honesty he was 100 percent honest. I spent a good amount of time yesterday on the phone with my mentor in ministry Ron just confessing some things that he already knew. He lives in Texas so he was right there when I was going through it and he knows me well enough to know when I am struggling. I sat their confessing my sin to him and apologizing for my actions and all I wanted to do was break down in tears. When I was going through the time I would listen to no one even though if I had I wouldn't be writing these blogs.
Tonight I talked to one of my best friends Jeff on the phone and it really hit me just how much God had provided for me when I was down there. A week before I left for Texas I didnt have enough money to get there but God provided money from people that I would never have expected. Then when I was there I got one of the best paying jobs on campus and was able to work up to 40 hours a week. Also my boss gave me everything I needed for my Apartment. I went to Texas with nothing, no bed, dresser, couch. Nothing but what could fit in my car. And again God provided all those when I got there. But yet I told people he did not want me there and in sense forgot all the blessings he had been providing from before I even went there.
So I write this in order to confess my sin to you all. James 5:16 says “Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective.” I hope you all accept my repentance and my apology to you all. This truly is a very humbling process for me and I have many people to still talk to about this but I know there is many I will forget to talk to so that is why I write these confession blogs.
God is continuing to humble me and I long to be in His will above all else. God has truly been piercing my heart a lot recently and I feel like God had a plan and still does for me down in Texas. So I continue to pray and seek him in the decision but it looks like in August I will be moving back down there to finish seminary. I hope my honesty and vulnerability with you all helps you to forgive me for my wrong doing.
I truly love you all.
Brent
P.S. Its 5am now and I didnt really read back over this or revise or put commas or other proper punctuation. So I apologize for that if it is hard to read.
P.S. Its 5am now and I didnt really read back over this or revise or put commas or other proper punctuation. So I apologize for that if it is hard to read.
